One of us has been rescued from the Island …
Working in the adult entertainment industry is much like being on a deserted island with wild cannibals, crazy nomads and the occasional larger than life wildebeest. Its not unlike living in the book lord of the flies … maybe its closer to living the TV series Lost but with even less clothes and more hot women. Why do I have this analogy of a remote island full of terrors? Working in the biz can suck you into a social island. It’s not that we don’t like normal people or don’t talk to our non-industry friends … but well, the biz changes you a bit. Your vocabulary gets harsher. Your sense of what is up for “normal” discussion changes. You have to make sure kids aren’t sitting near you in a restaurant and over hear the terms like bukkake that lead to uncomfortable parental conversations. The other reason it’s like an island … we have a party for the opening of a coke can! Any day of the week our business has some sort of gathering that usually involves free drinks. Which means we have a tendancy to just well … stick together. There are just certain things you deal with on a day to day basis that no one else except like minded industry friends can understand.
It’s not all bad. Open minded people are often attracted to the biz. I can use swear words at work. I also don’t have to wear a suit. Plus I get free sex toys! Another positive from being in the biz … I no longer have a weak stomach… or is that a negative? Anywhoo … the population of my island has recently decreased and I am saddened and over joyed by it at the same time.
I am not someone who befriends the talent aka pornstars. I’m not interested. They are usually too young to not be annoying and are usually …well, a little too crazy for me. I did have one that I was close to. Her stage name was Penny Flame. Penny was a bright spot in the industry for me. She was the girl woman I could point to when people said derogatory things about talent. I could say “Oh no! Not Penny Flame. She is a smart beautiful girl, an amazing writer and a creative painter. She is the coolest down to earth girl you will meet! She just happens to like sex … and the biz affords her the lifestyle of an artist without that whole pesky starving part. Pinky Swear!” She was my Trophy Girl. That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone …
Penny and I had several nights of fun times, drunken conversations, birthday parties, discussions about business and discussions about heartbreak. She once gave me a painting of an angel that said on the back “just remember to breath”. She has no idea how much I needed to hear that sentence at that time! Her positive energy and aura always shown through in everything she did. I admired her “don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks!” attitude.
Several months ago Penny … who has rightfully taken back her real name Jennie Ketchum decided to go on Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab. At first I figured she was being smart and marketing herself into her new career of industry director. That switch had been coming for a LONG time and its hard for people to accept someone stopping scenes but still sticking around to direct ONLY. I attended as many of the events as I could that supported her while she was on the show. I went to her art opening and was very proud of her. At that opening she dropped a hint to me that she had discovered some personal stuff about herself during the show that was a whirlwind of emotions for her. Jennie was getting sober from alcohol and sex. That she had some demons she had to deal with. I left that night feeling very afraid. Afraid to ever watch the show and hear about anything horrible she had ever gone through. I want to keep my delusion of the happy go lucky artist, girl in charge of herself and her sexuality. I think that is one of the most selfish thoughts I have ever had.
Since Jennie got back from filming the show I have only hung out with her once. We have chatted a few times but not a lot. I follow her blog like crazy. Read her recent article as a real writer about the opening of a local establishment and listened to her on the radio last night. I am constantly proud of the new and improved Jennie even though I don’t tell her.
So why don’t I tell her? This goes back to my analogy of the social island of Adult. I work a lot and I still work in the biz. I drink when I go out. These are things i don’t know how to face when dealing with the new Jennie. She is so new to the world of recovery … what if I slip and call her Penny? Like I did the first time we hung out after the show. What if I start talking about work? What if I have a glass of wine at dinner and my mere presence triggers something from her former persona. What if I realize I had a hand in helping her addictions since we worked together for so many years. How will I apologize for that and what implications to me does that have? Granted this is really dramatic! But I want her to succeed so badly … I second guess everything. I have never dealt with anyone in recovery. These are my fears and issues I have to deal with. If she is brave enough to battle hers I’m sure I can be big enough of a friend to battle mine, which are insignificant compared to the uphill battle she has choosen to fight.
This is why I have the name Miss Communication … I really suck at this!!
I sit here mourning the loss of Penny but so excited to welcome Jennie as my friend. You see … I always saw Jennie in there … even when she didn’t. She was part of the sunshine of this island with mystifying weather patterns.
I am sure when I am brave enough to watch her show I will laugh with her and cry with her. But more importantly I hope to do that with her in person for years to come.
If you would like to learn more about my amazing friend, go here: http://becomingjennie.com/
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We are very proud of our Jennie and wish her all the best that she see’s for herself in life and more. I’m very privileged to have known Penny and to call Jennie my friend.
I couldn’t agree more! I got to meet her and her cute puppy when the 4 of us went hiking one random Saturday and she was awesome! I didn’t really chime in with conversation too much because I’m kind of *new* and don’t really know her, but from what I saw and hear i thought she was super cool, down to earth, and pretty goddamn funny! Now, I’m not a judgemental person at all but not for one second did I think ‘this was a girl who was not in control of her life or destiny.’ In fact it was quite the opposite, I thought this girl has her shit together, knows what she wants, and knows what she needs to do to get it! I wish her all the luck in her recovery and new career!
Reading Jennie’s blog it struck me how much some of the things she writes could have been written by me. When I was her age I finally started to work out some of the same issues that she is dealing with now. She writes things that if I had written what I felt at the time there would be a question about who wrote this. Knowing how hard it was for me to get through the most difficult parts it is amazing that she is doing the same recovery now with alcohol and drugs also involved. I had a hard enough time with neither of those things to deal with.
Jennie wants no cheer leaders and I try not to do that for her benefit but I think she has so much potential that there is nowhere for her to go but up. I wrote her at the beginning of summer that I wanted to see a picture of her taken in the fall with the sun in a faded position. I knew then that the picture of her on her blog with the flower in her hair could be even better after she had learned to relax and live a less stressed life. She recently wrote that she can hardly believe the difference that has happened already, I just wanted her to see that she has fans of her awakening who are much bigger fans of Jennie than they could have ever been of Penny because Jennie is real.
And Miss Communication, I can understand your view about being around her now. I think that with what she has written about being around places that have drinking that she could really enjoy you just the way you are. Jennie is a very strong woman who sometimes cannot believe that she has the strength that she does. You will not break her, go have some fun with your friend. I think she would enjoy it.
Not being a resident of Adult Island I can see your problem Miss Communication. Talking to a woman who has been on the island and left finally it would be hard to relate sometimes. As a hetro male it would be even harder for her to realize that she could have one as a friend who was not be out to get something out of a friendship other than sex.